In the last few weeks I have found myself to be in a place of a hermit crab, roller coasting through my internal world as it has been evolving to a new phase. At times I felt as if “Hmm I haven't posted in a while, let me put something up”, just to stop myself from posting something completely irrelevant just for the sake of “staying present” with my social media. So instead of putting up inspirational memes, or sharing an awesome blog, I thought to channel myself into this expression of my reality of my spiritual journey.
To be honest I have reached a strange point in my life where I hit a wall, questioning who am I? Not in the sense of not knowing that I am a soul in a human body (that chapter has been done and checked off), but now I am in a place where I am questioning: who am I in this lifetime, and what am I here to do?
The reason why this is coming up so strong lately, is because I have been doing a lot of inner work, inner reflections and figuring out what am I good at and what can I offer to the world. There are many times that I look around and I do the worst possible thing, I start comparing myself to others on the similar path. Honestly, it’s the worst, and I know that. However when I hit a point where I am confused about what am I here to do I start searching for what is already out there and the comparing starts. It always lead to depressing, low energy feelings and emotions, usually leaving me frustrated and not wanting to continue with this journey. Yes I said it, not wanting to keep going. But I know better!
The truth about spiritual awakening is that depression is a part of it. As we start to let go of our old identity and realize that we are powerful and incredible being of infinite possibilities; the realization that I am stuck in this limited human form brings all sorts of feelings that lead me into mini-depressions that I have been learning to deal with for the last year or so.
It’s somewhat an “identity crisis”, not knowing who you are supposed to be in this lifetime. And the funny thing is, I know better! I am here walking around practicing mindfulness, kindness and taking life for all it is, while still falling down when the wave takes over me. I’m not so confused in terms that I dont have the options of who to be, but because there are too many options, and I simply don’t know what that is exactly. The fear here is picking the right path with least resistance. And yes I know there is “no right path” and that it’s not about becoming someone, but rather just BEing. But see all that disappears when the depression stars. It’s scary and sad.
I’m lucky to have myself as my guide, because even though I fall into heavy states of mind, I am able to crawl out having the tools and resources that I have been gathering over the years under my belt. But the truth is, there are times when I simply need to be, and explore myself and the need to be “social media present” shouldn’t my first priority. But for some reason I feel that if I don’t post, I will be forgotten. (...hear that victim energy coming through?)
This is more like a letter to myself, to let me know that it is ok to not post for a while, and that it is okay to take the time to rest, to think, to connect and to recharge my mind, body and spirit. Because when I am back to whole, I am able to post from my authentic self and that is what is important. I am here to continue growing and becoming my authentic self and I will be sharing more of my journey in the written form as I find it very therapeutic, and I alss know that I am not the only one. My journey can and will help others who are going through the same thing, and what most important is to keep going.
It’s important to remember that nothing lasts, especially our silly moods. It important to take time for ourself and to honor where we are in life. Learning to ‘go with the flow’ and learn how to get out of the bad flow are all crucial aspects of human experience. For me personally the best way to heal from my depression is when I think of my loved ones and how lucky I am to have those souls with me on my path. Connecting to people and sharing how you feel. Do not hold up your emotions, find a way to express them. Write, do art, sing, dance, cry scream, whatever is is for you. Just let it out!
So if you are still here, I thank you for staying with me and for connecting to a part of me that wanted to be heard. Remember, we live in a Universe that is constantly moving, nothing is permanent, learn to let go of attachments whatever they may be, and know that all will be okay! You are not alone, we are all in this together.